Excerpt from "The Undiscovered History of Aviators", pg. 36-40

Most now accept that the origins of aviator sunglasses lie, like many feats of ancient construction, with the Egyptians. Indeed, aviators have often been compared to the pyramids, as they share similar mysteries. Their construction was, for its time, a technological wonder. Often times the suggestion of an other-worldly presence has been theorized as a way in which these creations could have been built so early in time. This can be seen in the movie Stargate ^[1], which visualizes the theory that pyramids were in fact landing platforms for large triangle ships, something even the most fervent detractors have a hard time arguing against.^[2]

However another theory, gaining traction, argues that aviators cannot be extraterrestrial as they contain distinctly Terran aspects of "awesome", confirming that their origin must be from humanity itself. That is not to say that they were created by the ancient egyptians, however. Instead, these scientists argue that the introduction of aviators is in fact due to a time traveling prank perpetuated by some 26th century teenager who theorized that Egyptian hieroglyphics with aviators would be "frakking hilarious." Little did he know that, time being circular, he would instead become the unintended "creator" of aviators, and plunge Egypt eventually into a war that would not only erase most proof of the existence of these majestic sunglasses, but forever embitter mankind over the coolness factor of the sunglasses.

Indeed, we need only look at the writings of Alexander the Great, who stated that "...although I had initially planned to withhold crossing into Egypt, I simply could not relent. Have you seen those ridiculous things they wear? Why on earth do you need that extra line of metal, I demand to know! No, I will take their land and I will crush every piece of their outlandish head-decorations until their eyeballs burn in the brightness of the sun which will then reveal the folly of their ways!"

Alexander stayed true to his word, but he could not quite destroy the legacy of the aviators. Many rumors persist about their continued appearance and survival throughout history. Sketches by Leonardo da Vinci imply that he was attempting to deconstruct a pair that he had stumbled across during his time in Venice.^[3] Nevertheless, aviators would not appear in more mainstream use until the 1850s, when their unfortunate timing served only to make them one of the many issues of Northern-Southern frustration that would culminate into the Civil War.

1. Aviators were originally in Stargate too, but studios deemed them "too controversial. They were subsequently removed in post-production. Kurt Russell has often said that this decision was a mistake, as he considered aviators a fundamental part of his character's motivations for many of the decisions he makes throughout the movie, such as "being a genuine badass.
   
2. I mean, they certainly couldn't have been square ships.
   
3. His only flaw was an insistence upon a "box" shape for the frames. The design remains a perfect example of both da Vinci's genius and complete lack of fashion sense.

Hi there. My name is Kevin and I have a problem.

Well, actually I have a few problems. But let's stay on track here.

I have a fairly large video game collection. A couple years ago I took an inventory to see just how many games I owned. Now, I haven't really kept up with it, but glancing over it and factoring in how much I've picked up over the last few years, we're looking at something around the mid-to-high 300s. Which sounds like a ton to a regular person, but is a mere pittance to an actual collector.

According to my inventory, I've beaten over 150 of them, which is actually a lot when you consider that 1) a lot of the old games (i.e. Pac-Man, Space Invaders) have no real end and 2) I own a lot of older games, and most of the ones you can beat (theoretically) are incredibly difficult. But there's another statistic, one I don't even have outdated numbers to reference, that I want to examine.

I'm talking about games I've bought and never played.

Think this over for a second. You have some hard earned cash. You go and buy something with it. You bring it home. Take it out of the bag. And never use it. Ever. Why did you even buy it in the first place? I'm not some sort of rich socialite; I don't have money to throw around on stuff I'm not gonna use. Hell I'm the kind of guy who flips out when some cheese goes bad. That's hardly even worth a dollar, yet I've spent 50 bucks on a game and never thrown it in a console.

Why on earth do I do this?

There's no simple answer. In the end it just comes down to what drives me to normally buy a game. I hear about something that sounds cool, so I mark it in my head as a game I want. Eventually I come to a position where I can buy it, so I do. And then for some reason the process breaks down.

There's two main causes for this, I think. The first is time. Let's say I've been watching a couple games for awhile and thanks to a little bad luck they come out on the same day. Well, I can't start them both (I mean I could, but I've never enjoyed it. Same way I can't read multiple books at one time). So I start one of them.

Now, hopefully I pick up the other one right after I finish. But what if I purchase a new game before that happens? What am I going to do, shelve it? No way. It's a lot easier just to jump into that. Plus, what if I bought two RPGs? Do I really feel up for another RPG after just getting through one? Probably not, so to the shelf it goes, and after awhile it becomes little more then a dust collector.

It's not that I don't want to play it. I always think about getting back to it (for awhile), but it's hard to find time to do so when other games I want to play are coming out left and right. In the end, I have to work a job and support a marriage. There's only x hours to play games, even if what I really need is y.

The other cause is money. Sometimes I see a fantastic deal on a game that I considered trying out, so I pick it up. The problem with these games is that usually I'm already playing something else. I have a tendency to always prioritize new games (mainly to justify having spent more money on them), so used games that I got a good deal on (or even gifts sometimes, to be honest) also tend to fall through the cracks.

On the bright side, there is hope. In an effort to save money, I've really tried to tighten my belt on which games I buy and which ones I don't. Maybe I'd like to have Street Fighter IV, but is it really worth 60 bucks when I know a year from now it'll sell for less than half? Better for me to only buy games that I really want new, and take the extra time as an opportunity to play through games I've never gotten around to. So far this has worked out great, finally giving me a chance to play through games like Trauma Center: New Blood (nerve-wracking), Super Mario Galaxy (incredible), and Dead Rising (tons of fun once you power-level) that have been gathering dust on my shelves for far too long.

Honestly though? What's helped out even more is that there hasn't been a whole lot of great games coming out this year. Looking at the line-up, I don't see that changing. '07 and '08 brought some amazing titles, so I suppose we're about due for a lackluster year.

Personally? I'm fine with that. Right now I can do with a little less temptation. In the meantime, I'll try to dust off some of these lost games and see what I've been missing out on.

• Blue Starfleet T-shirt washed and ready? Check.
• Star Trek movie marathon planned for the weekend? Check.
• Remastered Original Series DVDs ready to go for viewing throughout the week? Check.
• Up to date on all current trailers and TV spots, including the kid-friendly Nickelodeon one? Check.
  
• Tickets bought for earliest show on Thursday? Check.
• Logistics plans for transportation, food, and line-waiting established? Check.
• Is it Thursday Yet?
  

I'm a bit excited for Star Trek, which isn't too much of a surprise since, well... I love Star Trek. For me this new movie isn't just another Trek movie, but a real chance at a rebirth of a franchise I love, and a great opportunity to finally provide something that's easily accessible for new fans to jump on board with and see what they've been missing out on all these years.

I considered doing a top 5 list of favorite episodes, movies or just plain old stuff, but asking me only to name 5 things I like about Star Trek is kind of the equivalent of asking the Duggar Family to chose 5 of their kids to survive. Or, you know, to name one of their kids something that doesn't start with the letter "J".

So allow me to indulge in a plain and simple list of my favorite stuff in Star Trek

Favorite Show: The Original Series - I won't lie - one of the reasons I'm thrilled about the reboot of the series is that we're getting back to the roots of this whole thing and going back to what people loved about Star Trek to begin with. I can't argue that the show viewed now can be at times downright goofy, but even still. I love the characters, I love the ship, I love the overall mood of the thing, and of all the various iterations, the original series had the greatest sense of adventure. And that's something I love about Star Trek, and it seems to be one of the things this new movie is trying to get back to.

Favorite Episode: Tapestry (Next Generation) - But that shouldn't imply I don't really enjoy the other series. In fact, the first episode I ever saw of Star Trek when I was quite young was a Next Gen episode called Tapestry (written by the brilliant Ron D. Moore), which I loved then and enjoyed a great deal more in my adult life. It speaks a fundamental truth that all of us need to hear from time to time: that the events in our lives, while sometimes negative or regretful, shape us into the person we are today, and that to remove those things from our lives can change the very fabric of our souls, to our own detriment. I've heard it criticized as some sort of Trekkie take on "It's a Wonderful Life", but I think that's silly. I certainly don't recall James Stewart getting into bar fights with Nausicaans.

Favorite Movie: The Wrath of Khan - Growing up I really loved the Star Wars trilogy and watched it fairly regularly. But in my adult life, while I enjoy Empire more, I tend to enjoy the original and Return of the Jedi less. That's not to say I don't still love them, cause I certainly do, I just don't enjoy them as much as I used to. But Wrath of Khan is a movie that I fall in love with more and more every time I watch it, which is at least once a year. Honestly, it's one of my favorite films ever (let alone Star Trek), and it's hard to talk about it and remain anything close to coherent.

Favorite Enterprise: Enterprise-E (First Contact through Nemesis) - There's been 8 different Enterprises shown throughout various movies and TV episodes (not counting movie variations) and I've got a place in my heart for all of them, but the E was big and it was made for war. While I definitely feel that the inherent optimism of Star Trek is what makes it work, there's something to be said about a flagship that isn't made for exploration so much as saving the freaking universe. Being the first Enterprise to be fully CGI-rendered, it's also gorgeous.

Favorite Alien Race (Friendly): Vulcans - Because Spock just made that much of an impression. No really. They're fascinating (no pun intended) and work as a great counterweight to us, the more emotionally-driven humans. The best thing about Enterprise is that it actually got back to really using Vulcans as a big part of the Star Trek universe, as they were always meant to be. By returning to the original cast and the character of Spock, the new movie seems to be making the same move, and I'm thrilled.

Favorite Alien Race (Villians): Romulans - Because they're evil Vulcans. I mean, what else can I say? I really do love Klingons, but I mean, they're just angry all the time, whereas Romulans are calculating, manipulative, and still emotionally unstable enough to make for terrific villians. Despite being major players in most Trek iterations, only Nemesis used them as heavies in a Trek film. Despite the fact that the internet tends to hate that film, I actually enjoy it quite a bit. That being said, I will readily admit that the new movie is much more likely to do Romulans justice... and I can't wait to see it.

Favorite Moment: I have quite a few. Should it be the Picard's thoughts on time at the end of Generations? Or perhaps when he draws a line heeeryah! against the Borg. It could even be the ending montage of the otherwise reviled Star Trek Enterprise finale. But it's probably more likely to be First Contact (in First Contact) or the death of Spock in Wrath of Khan.

Nah, let's be real. My favorite moment is everyone's favorite moment.



God I hope I can make it to Thursday.

I've heard before from ex-Disney employees that working at the most magical place in the world isn't really that magical after awhile. Similarly, I've heard that being an animator on children's programs can become absolutely tedious at times... so much so that, from time to time, they've been known to engage in some sort of form of... amusing themselves.

In short they turn to sex.

There's plenty of urban myths about the appearance of indecent materials in various cartoons, with varying levels of truth. Off the top of my head we've got:

1. Naked Woman in The Rescuers - Totally true, although the I can't blame the animators - it was actually someone bored in post production that put an actual porn shot in one of the windows they fly by.
2. Dildo + Horny Minister in Little Mermaid - No, the minister's not really excited about the wedding, it's just his knee (although in some shots...) and it wasn't a disgruntled artist who threw a dildo in the Little Mermaid's poster, he was just really tired and apparently didn't notice (although one wonders what he was thinking about when he was drawing this poster...)
3. SEX in Lion King - Debatable. Some say it's supposed to mean SFX (for special effects), others claim that it's distinctly an E. I don't think there's clear proof of either really

But you know we can't lay all the blame at Disney. This sort of thing happens all the time I imagine, and most of the time it probably falls through the cracks and no one notices.

In fact, I know of one that I have yet to see anyone point out. Something I discovered in high school on a beloved VHS from my childhood. Something so simple, I almost admire it for it's ingenious use. Even if it is completely perverted.

I'm talking about a scene from the Super Mario Brothers Super Show.



This may appear to be just an awful fight scene from an awful cartoon set to an awful cover of Michael Jackson's Bad. And indeed that's all I thought it was when I pulled out the tape late one night looking to amuse myself and my friends in our high school days. But upon watching it, my future wife noticed something, something I had never seen before. Have you watched the clip? Have you seen it?

Allow me to demonstrate what I'm talking about

Throughout this sequence, Mario's buddies are stomping on Koopa Troopas while he fights King Koopa with a gold plumber's snake (At no point is Mario ever shown to do anything resembling actual plumbing. So you cannot blame me if one of the careers I threw in my About Me book was plumbing. I was 6 and all I knew about plumbing involved stomping koopas. Seriously).

As each male member stomps on a troopa, their eyes are x'd over they're left looking rather frowny. As you would be too if you were stomped upon by a badly dressed italian or a walking mushroom.

Well, all except one.


Because see, one of these dudes is stomped on by the Princess. And, she, well. She has a big dress. And as you can see here, well, this troopa is basically engulfed by the thing as he's stomped upon. And when he comes out, what does he have?

A huge smile.


Animators are perverts. Case closed.

Coming home from my parents house today, having failed miserably to fix their super-infected work computer, I had the strange urge to turn on the old PS2, fire up some original Guitar Hero, and see if I could play that one song in expert that I never could finish (Answer: Yes I can). It was a bit weird going back to the original source of what has become the most expensive genre of my gaming habit. In a lot of ways, it simply doesn't hold up to what's gone and replaced it, but at the same time I was struck by how much fun it still is. The essence of what made that first game so much fun still holds true for all the games it has spawned, which at current tally makes for a grand total of 11 different games (12 if we count the 360 version of Guitar Hero 2 as separate), with four others officially announced as in development to be released this year.

That's a lot of games, and certainly one could make an argument for oversaturation. Personally I think I own all of them cept two: Guitar Hero Rock the 80s, cause it was mostly covers, only had 30 songs but cost 50 bucks, and was released as PS2 only at a point where that was just a dumb business decision. Oh, and Guitar Hero: Metallica, cause that just came out and, uh, I don't know. The difficulty would be incredibly punishing and I'm not sure I see Colure wanting to scream like James Hetfield. Would probably be like that time Avril Lavigne performed a cover of Fuel.

At current count I believe there are two plastic drumsets two USBs microphones, and a whopping seven plastic guitars sprawled across our apartment, meaning I own more fake instruments than actual ones. I think it's safe to say that I love these games, and after doing some thinking, I've found 5 good reasons why.

1) Because Rhythm Games are Cool - I like music, I like games. The combination is pretty natural. But throw in a fake plastic instrument? Now you're really talking. I mean, it's one thing to interact with music via a controller, but instead of pressing buttons... wouldn't you rather hit stuff? Or rock out? You can't rock out with a controller. That's like one step removed from trying to rock a keytar. Better to go with something that looks like a legitimate instrument. To quote Steven Tyler, “Fake it 'til you make it!”

2) Fosters Interest in Music – I really can't think of a better way to get kids to have an interest in playing real instruments. I've heard before that some people are afraid that this'll replace the need some kids have to pick up a real guitar and learn it, but I think that's completely bull. If anything this game just fosters the desire for you to have a real band. Plus it can be a great teaching method, not for guitar so much, but for drums and singing. Especially drums. Do you know how many painful hours I could have avoided trying to teach friends how to play the drums if I had had Rock Band growing up? Some of them might have actually been legitimate successes for Christ's sake!

3) It's Easier then Getting the Band Back Together –A lot of us had bands in high school, and maybe into college. Maybe you're still friends with them and it's a fun idea to get them all together again and do a little playing. But let's be honest: Equipment's a huge pain to luge around, no one remembers the same songs, the microphone's broke, your singer's still a primadonna, and truth be told you probably weren't that great to begin with. But throw on Rock Band and you can all come together without all the hassles and recrimination – or even replace out members if your old group is a little too hard to recruit/would be violating restraining orders to see.

4) Best use of Downloadable Content to Date – Maybe not Guitar Hero so much (which prefers to release millions of games), but Rock Band has seriously used downloadable content better than any other game yet. Both games have transcended from being just fun distractions to full on platforms, providing you with tons of options for how you'd like to customize your experience, while at the same time giving musicians barrels upon barrels of money. It's a great system for everyone involved, and as a result I've spent much more time playing Rock Band 1 & 2 than any other game like it. I've also spent a ton of money, but honestly? Totally worth every cent.

5) Because it Makes You Feel like a Rock Star - Looks, let's face facts: Most people have jobs which are fairly boring the majority of the time. You might like it alright, but come on now; Everyone wants a chance to feel like a rock star. And these games let you do it, without even having any musical ability. One of the reasons I rebelled against Guitar Hero 3 so much was because it included “boss battles” - which to me is antithetical to the whole point of these games. You want less reminders that you're playing a video game, not more game clichés. And for the most part, especially in the latest Rock Band, they've really embraced that concept of being an avenue to living out a musical fantasy. In other words, it's a hell of a lot better then jumping around your garage doing air guitar.

I could easily write a lot more than 5 reasons why I think these games are so awesome, but honestly? I think I'd rather just go play some Rock Band and get myself psyched up for the LEGO version coming out later this year...

This is the sort of thing you wish you could do as an adult, but can't because you're afraid of getting arrested. And then you'd have to spend the rest of your life explaining to potential employers why you terrorized a grocery store in a Pac-Man costume. Which is a difficult position to recover from in an interview.

But man, if only youtube had really been out there when I was in high school. We even had a Film Club for Christ's sake! We could have done an assortment of wonderfully terrible things with no repurcussions. Instead? We tried to make some sort of awful fantasy film that still haunts me at night.

On a side note, this video kind of reminds me of this bonus game I have for the Gamecube called Pac-Man Vs. It was one of those games where you had to have Game Boy Advances hooked up to the system (which was a bit of a cost impediment) but the idea was cool. Basically, the game was multiplayer Pac-Man, with three players controlling Ghosts and one player controlling Pac-Man. If you ate Pac-Man, you became him, and thus the goal was to score the most points while having to rotate between working as a team to working competitively.

I think we played it a total of one time ever.